Reaching Beyond Myself
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Day Two: divorce or victory....that is the question
Wow am I pooped today and I'm sure it's from my complete elimination of white sugar from my diet.....
Oh yes, last night as I was working, taking desperate calls from my callers, the vending machine (W.A.Y. down the hall) was calling my name. Even singing sweet empty nothings as I worked diligently at my desk. I thought for a brief moment, "ahhhh what could a butterfinger really hurt?!!!" but then my rational brain (thank the Lord) kicked in and I realized that once I'm through these sugar lows, life will begin to pick up (on natural energy of course) again!!!
Baby steps......baby steps......baby steps....
So I asked my doctor yesterday if I would be eligible for the Lap Band surgery as I continued to complain about how much weight I've gained since 2000 and how extremely HARD it is to even THINK about the hard work it would take to eliminate such a monster from my life......to which he said.....
"it's really not about the hard work...yes it will take that, but it's really about the dedication, the quick fix we Americans are used to"
It was much like someone slapping your face AFTER it's bright red from being outside on an icy winter day.......it HURT!!!!
He's right........as much as it is true for me.
Sure cut my guts open, slap a small plastic rubber band thingy around my intenstines and watch the weight melt away ***not to mention as I continue to eat myself into an oblivion****
It's not about the quick fix for me, I suddenly realized (not saying that the lap band or any other gastric surgery isn't important or even necessary for someone else)for me, it would be the easy way out.....the divorce of my committment to loving myself and my children more than my selfish desires of chocolate and crunchy, salty things. If there has been one thing I've learned throughout my life is that giving up is the easy, seemingly less painful way OUT. BUT, as I've watched my loved ones divorce things or people in there life, I see that it isn't the less painful way out. Sure it eliminates an irritant, much like sugar in my case, for a time, but the pain only builds and completely suffocates the life and love out of that person's heart. Much like my "quick fixes" in my life. My divorce from the Hard, sweat-inducing work it will take I fear would only put me back on this path once again in the future. A mountain I don't care to venture around more than once.
This journey seems scary.....intimidating and quick frankly insurmountable, but I must try......for the sake of myself and my children.....
So today instead of eating sugary cocoa puffs for breakfast I ate Kashi crunch and it was good. I've drank water instead of Coke Zero (this is a tough one.....it's my coffee in the morning) and I look forward to my spinach salad with tomatoes, cucumbers and feta cheese.......so I press on.....toward my goal of taking hold......even if it's the long way around
****note to self****** Special K's "Protein Water" is highly disgusting....it's much like opening up a package of aspartame and eating it out of the container... Y U C K
Labels: new me 08