Reaching Beyond Myself
Thursday, May 29, 2008
small victories
So yesterday, I got off work and my stomach was seriously growling. Not the "hmmm, I don't feel full, but will eat anyway" feeling, but serious, deep, intense G R O W L I N G
I knew at midnight it would still be growling and I knew that I would be passing a McDonald's on my way home from work......enter temptation monster #1 (oh did I mention I pass 2 McD's, 1 taco bell, 1 Wendy's, 1 burger king, 1 SONIC---on my way home?) YES, I am just that sickly addicted to fast food. Something about the convience factor, mets greasey nastiness conjures up happy thoughts. Did I also mention that Sonic is like pure satan evil....I L O V E S O N I C!!!!!!!!!
Oh right, back on track.....focus....back on track....
So as I pass the first McDs I realize I have a banana in my purse along with the other 32 oz of now-room-temperature-yucky-bland water in my container. So I opt for these options, verses the yummy, digusting cheeseburger and GUESS WHAT??? it was actually satisfying in a weird way. I mean it took the hunger pains away, I didn't feel like I was going to puke or have to run to the bathroom etc.
This folks is a small victory for this baby stepper :)
I knew at midnight it would still be growling and I knew that I would be passing a McDonald's on my way home from work......enter temptation monster #1 (oh did I mention I pass 2 McD's, 1 taco bell, 1 Wendy's, 1 burger king, 1 SONIC---on my way home?) YES, I am just that sickly addicted to fast food. Something about the convience factor, mets greasey nastiness conjures up happy thoughts. Did I also mention that Sonic is like pure satan evil....I L O V E S O N I C!!!!!!!!!
Oh right, back on track.....focus....back on track....
So as I pass the first McDs I realize I have a banana in my purse along with the other 32 oz of now-room-temperature-yucky-bland water in my container. So I opt for these options, verses the yummy, digusting cheeseburger and GUESS WHAT??? it was actually satisfying in a weird way. I mean it took the hunger pains away, I didn't feel like I was going to puke or have to run to the bathroom etc.
This folks is a small victory for this baby stepper :)
Labels: new me 08
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Day Two: divorce or victory....that is the question
I am now aware of how dependent my life had become addicted to and functioning on......SUGAR.....
Wow am I pooped today and I'm sure it's from my complete elimination of white sugar from my diet.....
Oh yes, last night as I was working, taking desperate calls from my callers, the vending machine (W.A.Y. down the hall) was calling my name. Even singing sweet empty nothings as I worked diligently at my desk. I thought for a brief moment, "ahhhh what could a butterfinger really hurt?!!!" but then my rational brain (thank the Lord) kicked in and I realized that once I'm through these sugar lows, life will begin to pick up (on natural energy of course) again!!!
Baby steps......baby steps......baby steps....
So I asked my doctor yesterday if I would be eligible for the Lap Band surgery as I continued to complain about how much weight I've gained since 2000 and how extremely HARD it is to even THINK about the hard work it would take to eliminate such a monster from my life......to which he said.....
"it's really not about the hard work...yes it will take that, but it's really about the dedication, the quick fix we Americans are used to"
Ouch!!!!
It was much like someone slapping your face AFTER it's bright red from being outside on an icy winter day.......it HURT!!!!
He's right........as much as it is true for me.
Sure cut my guts open, slap a small plastic rubber band thingy around my intenstines and watch the weight melt away ***not to mention as I continue to eat myself into an oblivion****
It's not about the quick fix for me, I suddenly realized (not saying that the lap band or any other gastric surgery isn't important or even necessary for someone else)for me, it would be the easy way out.....the divorce of my committment to loving myself and my children more than my selfish desires of chocolate and crunchy, salty things. If there has been one thing I've learned throughout my life is that giving up is the easy, seemingly less painful way OUT. BUT, as I've watched my loved ones divorce things or people in there life, I see that it isn't the less painful way out. Sure it eliminates an irritant, much like sugar in my case, for a time, but the pain only builds and completely suffocates the life and love out of that person's heart. Much like my "quick fixes" in my life. My divorce from the Hard, sweat-inducing work it will take I fear would only put me back on this path once again in the future. A mountain I don't care to venture around more than once.
This journey seems scary.....intimidating and quick frankly insurmountable, but I must try......for the sake of myself and my children.....
So today instead of eating sugary cocoa puffs for breakfast I ate Kashi crunch and it was good. I've drank water instead of Coke Zero (this is a tough one.....it's my coffee in the morning) and I look forward to my spinach salad with tomatoes, cucumbers and feta cheese.......so I press on.....toward my goal of taking hold......even if it's the long way around
****note to self****** Special K's "Protein Water" is highly disgusting....it's much like opening up a package of aspartame and eating it out of the container... Y U C K
pressing on.....
Wow am I pooped today and I'm sure it's from my complete elimination of white sugar from my diet.....
Oh yes, last night as I was working, taking desperate calls from my callers, the vending machine (W.A.Y. down the hall) was calling my name. Even singing sweet empty nothings as I worked diligently at my desk. I thought for a brief moment, "ahhhh what could a butterfinger really hurt?!!!" but then my rational brain (thank the Lord) kicked in and I realized that once I'm through these sugar lows, life will begin to pick up (on natural energy of course) again!!!
Baby steps......baby steps......baby steps....
So I asked my doctor yesterday if I would be eligible for the Lap Band surgery as I continued to complain about how much weight I've gained since 2000 and how extremely HARD it is to even THINK about the hard work it would take to eliminate such a monster from my life......to which he said.....
"it's really not about the hard work...yes it will take that, but it's really about the dedication, the quick fix we Americans are used to"
Ouch!!!!
It was much like someone slapping your face AFTER it's bright red from being outside on an icy winter day.......it HURT!!!!
He's right........as much as it is true for me.
Sure cut my guts open, slap a small plastic rubber band thingy around my intenstines and watch the weight melt away ***not to mention as I continue to eat myself into an oblivion****
It's not about the quick fix for me, I suddenly realized (not saying that the lap band or any other gastric surgery isn't important or even necessary for someone else)for me, it would be the easy way out.....the divorce of my committment to loving myself and my children more than my selfish desires of chocolate and crunchy, salty things. If there has been one thing I've learned throughout my life is that giving up is the easy, seemingly less painful way OUT. BUT, as I've watched my loved ones divorce things or people in there life, I see that it isn't the less painful way out. Sure it eliminates an irritant, much like sugar in my case, for a time, but the pain only builds and completely suffocates the life and love out of that person's heart. Much like my "quick fixes" in my life. My divorce from the Hard, sweat-inducing work it will take I fear would only put me back on this path once again in the future. A mountain I don't care to venture around more than once.
This journey seems scary.....intimidating and quick frankly insurmountable, but I must try......for the sake of myself and my children.....
So today instead of eating sugary cocoa puffs for breakfast I ate Kashi crunch and it was good. I've drank water instead of Coke Zero (this is a tough one.....it's my coffee in the morning) and I look forward to my spinach salad with tomatoes, cucumbers and feta cheese.......so I press on.....toward my goal of taking hold......even if it's the long way around
****note to self****** Special K's "Protein Water" is highly disgusting....it's much like opening up a package of aspartame and eating it out of the container... Y U C K
pressing on.....
Labels: new me 08
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Day One.....
Sitting in the cold office, watching my son play with books and crayons, I realized today would be a defining moment in my life.
I was only there to check to see if I had an ear infection or if it was just allergies. Afterall, we weren't living in my beautiful home of Florida, rather a dreary, hot/humid/dry Midwest. So far the gray days seemed to be less than Michigan, yet my energy level hasn't been like it was in Florida.
The doctor entered.
He examined my ear.
Yup an ear infection......ugh....ok I'll take my antibotics and be on my way.
Oh wait, there's more?
What else could there be?
I only needed you to check my ear, you did, it's fine, let's go.
What do you mean, my lab work is borderline?
Borderline what?
No diabetes doesn't run in my family.......the only family member I know of who has had diabetes was my maternal grandpa and he wasn't diagnosed until he was 90.
Oh, I didn't know the steriods I use to treat my migraines cause me to be at a higher risk for diabetes.
Why wasn't I told that?
Oh right, isn't that always the answer......it's the lesser of two evils.
Right, a stroke would be devastating, sure diabetes is more ****ahem***managable.
Of course, I understand that I DO NOT have diabetes, but even hearing that word makes my skin crawl.
You better believe I'll be hitting the gym, doing weight watchers, you name it!!!
****The END*****
The end to living in fear that I will die from a curable, treatable disease.
The end of living in constant fear that my health at 33 will be the end of the only mother my children will know.
I'm done!!!
Today I start to blog about the rest of my life in the years to come. My struggles with not wanting to exercise, or eat right, yet my willingness to reach beyond the comfortable to live another day with my children on this earth.
Today starts the beginning of my new life!
I was only there to check to see if I had an ear infection or if it was just allergies. Afterall, we weren't living in my beautiful home of Florida, rather a dreary, hot/humid/dry Midwest. So far the gray days seemed to be less than Michigan, yet my energy level hasn't been like it was in Florida.
The doctor entered.
He examined my ear.
Yup an ear infection......ugh....ok I'll take my antibotics and be on my way.
Oh wait, there's more?
What else could there be?
I only needed you to check my ear, you did, it's fine, let's go.
What do you mean, my lab work is borderline?
Borderline what?
No diabetes doesn't run in my family.......the only family member I know of who has had diabetes was my maternal grandpa and he wasn't diagnosed until he was 90.
Oh, I didn't know the steriods I use to treat my migraines cause me to be at a higher risk for diabetes.
Why wasn't I told that?
Oh right, isn't that always the answer......it's the lesser of two evils.
Right, a stroke would be devastating, sure diabetes is more ****ahem***managable.
Of course, I understand that I DO NOT have diabetes, but even hearing that word makes my skin crawl.
You better believe I'll be hitting the gym, doing weight watchers, you name it!!!
****The END*****
The end to living in fear that I will die from a curable, treatable disease.
The end of living in constant fear that my health at 33 will be the end of the only mother my children will know.
I'm done!!!
Today I start to blog about the rest of my life in the years to come. My struggles with not wanting to exercise, or eat right, yet my willingness to reach beyond the comfortable to live another day with my children on this earth.
Today starts the beginning of my new life!
Labels: new me 08
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
***ahhhhh**** GET A ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Before you go thinking this is a PG-13 rated post....I can assure you it is not.
What I am about to tell you involves SLEEP......or lack thereof :)
You see, I've started a new job. One that I love and am so very grateful for.
One that requires me to completely revamp my biological clock, nonetheless.
You see, I work until (anywhere from) midnight until 2am, which means after I make the 30-40 minute drive home and unwind, I fall into bed between (anywhere from) 1-2:30am....for most people these nightly hours maybe considered "no problem" "what's the big deal" to me, pushing 11pm (prior to this new position) was late.........so as I'm adjusting, one would think that my dearly beloved husband would take all of this information and be ***um*****how shall I say this, sensitive, right?
(preface: for the most part, he has been) BUT, what possessed him to say YES to what I'm about to tell you, will continue to allude my logical mind.
Rewind:
There was a knock on our door at about 9pm Sunday evening. I was upstairs. Hubs answered. No biggie. He proceeded (WITHOUT talking to me) to say yes, to a week long committment.......
moving on......
It was our neighbor. The Christian, single mom of three boys who lives next door. Did I mention we are attached to her because we live in a duplex?
She's a total sweetheart. I just love her. BUT (how shall I say this?) her parenting ideas are MUCH different than ours.
For example: our kids have a bedtime, hers don't. Her kids are so loud that we turn on our bathroom fan (when they are next door at home) to drown out the noise level. They are the biggest reason we are moving on June 1st into a HOUSE, so that we don't have attached neighbors......anyway, moving on.....
So imagine, running on about 4 hours of sleep, awaking to the household exploding in screaming at a decible that no human ear should be allowed to endure, let alone trying to continue sleeping?
So can you guess who is on my list this morning? oooooooooooh, yes, that would be my hubs, the man that told our neighbor YES on Sunday evening WITHOUT discussing this week long babysitting committment with his wife who works crazy hours and NEEDS sleep.
As of this morning, being awoken at 8 am, after falling asleep at 4:30 am....He either needs to tell her this isn't going to work out (because let's face it when it's on their side of the duplex, atleast we have our fan) or I need to GET A ROOM!!!!!!!!! in a hotel far, far, far away :)
What I am about to tell you involves SLEEP......or lack thereof :)
You see, I've started a new job. One that I love and am so very grateful for.
One that requires me to completely revamp my biological clock, nonetheless.
You see, I work until (anywhere from) midnight until 2am, which means after I make the 30-40 minute drive home and unwind, I fall into bed between (anywhere from) 1-2:30am....for most people these nightly hours maybe considered "no problem" "what's the big deal" to me, pushing 11pm (prior to this new position) was late.........so as I'm adjusting, one would think that my dearly beloved husband would take all of this information and be ***um*****how shall I say this, sensitive, right?
(preface: for the most part, he has been) BUT, what possessed him to say YES to what I'm about to tell you, will continue to allude my logical mind.
Rewind:
There was a knock on our door at about 9pm Sunday evening. I was upstairs. Hubs answered. No biggie. He proceeded (WITHOUT talking to me) to say yes, to a week long committment.......
moving on......
It was our neighbor. The Christian, single mom of three boys who lives next door. Did I mention we are attached to her because we live in a duplex?
She's a total sweetheart. I just love her. BUT (how shall I say this?) her parenting ideas are MUCH different than ours.
For example: our kids have a bedtime, hers don't. Her kids are so loud that we turn on our bathroom fan (when they are next door at home) to drown out the noise level. They are the biggest reason we are moving on June 1st into a HOUSE, so that we don't have attached neighbors......anyway, moving on.....
So imagine, running on about 4 hours of sleep, awaking to the household exploding in screaming at a decible that no human ear should be allowed to endure, let alone trying to continue sleeping?
So can you guess who is on my list this morning? oooooooooooh, yes, that would be my hubs, the man that told our neighbor YES on Sunday evening WITHOUT discussing this week long babysitting committment with his wife who works crazy hours and NEEDS sleep.
As of this morning, being awoken at 8 am, after falling asleep at 4:30 am....He either needs to tell her this isn't going to work out (because let's face it when it's on their side of the duplex, atleast we have our fan) or I need to GET A ROOM!!!!!!!!! in a hotel far, far, far away :)
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Tired.......or maybe I'm just getting old!!!
Gone are the days of "all nighters"
Gone are the days of surviving on 2 hours of sleep (or even 5 for that matter)
Since I am adjusting my new schedule to accomodate my late work nights, I am pooped!!!!
I thought working 4-midnight would be wonderful, enable me to be home with my kiddos during the day then off to work.....
Honestly, I'm not complaining because as far as work goes, this is the perfect job for me. I do love the fact that my mornings are spent (right now until school is out) with my son and eventually my daughter, BUT, WOWZERS, do I miss my sleep!!!!!!
I didn't realize the luxury I had of ending up in bed at 11pm to wake the next morning at 6-8ish
Now 2 am hits as I walk through the door, I fall into bed to be awaken to my husband saying, "ok honey I'm leaving, CDD is up, but he's watching cartoons, you have about 5 mins before he'll be in"
HA what does he know.....CDD is in as soon as the garage door goes down wanting his mommy. So I groggily roll out of bed and attempt to start my day on roughly 4-5 hours of sleep.
Maybe it's just me and I need more sleep than most people, or maybe I'm just getting old, BUT, 5 hours of sleep doesn't cut the mustard for me....LOL
So for any of you night owls out there who love to phone chat, I could always use the chatter as I am driving down the road at 1-1:30 a.m. :)
Here's to more sleep.......may it happen in my life, sooner than later
here****here
Gone are the days of surviving on 2 hours of sleep (or even 5 for that matter)
Since I am adjusting my new schedule to accomodate my late work nights, I am pooped!!!!
I thought working 4-midnight would be wonderful, enable me to be home with my kiddos during the day then off to work.....
Honestly, I'm not complaining because as far as work goes, this is the perfect job for me. I do love the fact that my mornings are spent (right now until school is out) with my son and eventually my daughter, BUT, WOWZERS, do I miss my sleep!!!!!!
I didn't realize the luxury I had of ending up in bed at 11pm to wake the next morning at 6-8ish
Now 2 am hits as I walk through the door, I fall into bed to be awaken to my husband saying, "ok honey I'm leaving, CDD is up, but he's watching cartoons, you have about 5 mins before he'll be in"
HA what does he know.....CDD is in as soon as the garage door goes down wanting his mommy. So I groggily roll out of bed and attempt to start my day on roughly 4-5 hours of sleep.
Maybe it's just me and I need more sleep than most people, or maybe I'm just getting old, BUT, 5 hours of sleep doesn't cut the mustard for me....LOL
So for any of you night owls out there who love to phone chat, I could always use the chatter as I am driving down the road at 1-1:30 a.m. :)
Here's to more sleep.......may it happen in my life, sooner than later
here****here
Labels: sleep
